Friday, May 20, 2011

I’m Sure You All Want To Know

What is going to happen on Judgment Day (which in case you didn’t know, is tomorrow, May 21st). Otherwise known as “Rapture Day”. This is the day that 200,000 true believers will be swept up to heaven, while everybody else -- Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, atheists, agnostics, anyone who supports gay marriage or accepts evolution will be left here on earth with me to share the spoils. All the mansions, limos, gold bars and altar boys left behind by all those pious, holier than thou “dial 1-800-pray2me” christians will be up for grabs.

At precisely 6:00PM (your time zone) on May 21 there will be a huge earthquake and all “saved” christianists will be sucked up to heaven. Driverless cars and pilotless aircraft will be careening around as their drivers and pilots are sucked through their windshields to meet god.

Sounds crazy? Many people not only believe it but have spent their life savings on vans, buses and signs telling the rest of us all about it, whether we want to hear it or not. This date was “calculated” by Harold Camping, a 89 year old radio preacher who added up all the days since the birth or death of jesus, added the number of letters in his own name, subtracted the square root of the number of full moons since the earth was created a thousand years ago or whenever, decided that when the bible mentions a day, it actually means a thousand years and added one day just for the heck of it. This gave him May 21, 2011. Some people are cashing in on this idiocy. One enterprising group of atheists have started a company that for $400 (payable right now of course) will go into your house after you have been raptured and rescue your pets, flushing your goldfish down the toilet or whatever at $400 each.

Of course you can’t be “saved” until you are old enough to have sinned and can understand the concept so parents are making plans for what will happen to their heathen children after mom and dad are yanked up from the dinner table between “grace” and the spinach salad.

Fasten your seatbelts, only one more day of life as we know it left.

Or Just Maybe

May 21, 2011 will pass like every other day, including all the days previously predicted to be the end of the world. These dates include 1874, 1878, 1881, 1910, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1975, 1984 and 1994…. We all know what happened then…. NOTHING!

This sort of thing could really pi$$ me off! I am glad I am an Atheist.

BTW, if this Blog goes silent on May 21 it is because I have been raptured by mistake. Or I was in an airplane and my pilot was raptured.

theendisnear

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Croft
We need to be leery of these predictions. There might be something to............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

mexicokid said...

WHAT??????

No mention of SHARKS!!!!!!!!!!!

~Evelyn and Steve~ said...

Oh Croft this was your BEST post ever! Hysterical. I am still laughing and as you know, I didn't have anything to laugh about this week. Thanks.

Sreedhar Jeshurun said...

Hi Greetings!

I came across your blog while “blog surfing” using the Next Blog button located at the top of my blogspot.com I frequently visit other blogs encouraging the various, creative ways in which people express themselves. Thanks for sharing.

Instead all these confusion the doomsday predictors can do a better evangelisitic works or social services around the world by God given money.